Pastor Dave Martin ~ Cross Creek Community Church ~ March 4, 2007
“Husband & Wife”
Family series Part 5
Read: Eph 5:21-32 (p829); 1Pet 3:1-4, 7(p858)
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Marriage is not a temporary arrangement of convenience but a permanent union created by God. |
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Many people stay together… tolerable but not happy… remaining in a “tired” unfulfilling marriage. |
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Today there are more people seeking martial counseling then for any other problem. |
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Often when conflict becomes to hot to handle, divorce can be seen as a convenient fire escape… |
In Marriage, Research found …
Sixty percent of American children born today will see their parents divorced by the time they are 18. Of those children who have suffered this pain of divorce, half of them will see a second divorce before they are 18.
Syndicated columnist Michael McManus, Baptist Press release, March, 1995
A study of divorced couples with preschool children shows that after a year of divorce, 60% of men and 73% of women feel they made a mistake and should have tried harder to make marriage work. People have no idea how much anguish and stress is caused by divorce. Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington in Homemade, October, 1989
One study found that 18 months after a divorce, children have a rate of sudden, serious psychological problems comparable to “victims of natural disaster.” Sixty-five percent of the children—who had been functioning well before the divorce—couldn’t concentrate in school, couldn’t eat or sleep properly, couldn’t make friends, were depressed, withdrawn or hostile. Even ten years after a divorce, over 40 percent of these young people still had no set goals, a limited education and a sense of hopelessness about their lives. The study’s author concludes, “Almost half of the children of divorce enter adulthood as worried, underachieving and sometimes angry young men and women.”
Senator Dan Coates, Imprimis, Vol 20, #9, September, 1991
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It is easier in the United States to walk away from a marriage than from a commitment to purchase a used car. |
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Fifty years ago parents were apt to have a lot of kids. Today kids are apt to have a lot of parents. |
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With over one million divorces/year The average duration of a marriage in the U.S. is only 9.4 years. |
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How can we strengthen husband – wife relationships? |
Researchers surveyed 300 couples married at least 15 years & viewed themselves as “happily married”
#1 Maintained a generally POSITIVE attitude - toward their spouse & view them as one of their best friends, someone who cares about them, concern for their well being, who are open & trustworthy, not being mired down in a somber, negative bleak outlook on life – a positive outlook…
#2 Understood the importance of commitment – the need to stick with it & make the effort to work at the marriage, agree together with the same aims & goals in life, mutually give & receive, a desire to make the marriage a success, able to laugh a lot… (fewer than 10% listed sexual relations as an important ingredient)
I read of a man who was crying over a gravestone saying, “Why did you die? Why did you die?” “Why did you have to die?” Another man came upon the scene and questioned him, “Did your mother just die?” “No.” “Did your father?” “No.” He continues, “O, why did you die?” “Well, who died?” “This was my wife’s first husband.”
Dr. Willard Harley, a Massachusetts psychologist, surveyed the basic needs of men and women in marriage and found that the needs are completely different. According to Dr. Harley’s survey,
The Wife’s top five basic needs are:
1. Affection – to be held, treated with love & tenderness, appreciation
2. Communication – Researchers put microphones on playgrounds… little girls communicated & carried on conversations… where little boys made grunts, groans & growls in their play… average woman speaks 25,000 words per day while the average man speaks 10,000!
3. Openness/Honesty – Transparency, authenticity, trust
4. Financial Support – Financial stability… money to pay bills, buy food, etc.
5. Family Commitment – A leader focused upon the needs of the family demonstrating correct priorities.
The Husband’s top five basic needs are:
1. Sexual Fulfillment – women are like crock pots where men are like a microwave… men are wired that way
2. Recreational Companionship – a “friend” to invest time with him… fishing, camping, hiking, etc.
3. An Attractive Wife – Ladies, brush your teeth! Take pride in the way you look…
4. Domestic Support – Looking for a wife who stays home & manages the household chores… raising children
5. Admiration – A desire to be admired by their wives… not always be put down & complaints…
Looking at both lists, it becomes obvious that if we give our spouses what we need, hoping to receive the same in return, we will miss the mark every time. Therefore, instead of giving what we need, we must affair-proof our marriages by striving to give what our partners need. From Bad Beginnings to Happy Endings, by Ed Young (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publ., 1994), pp. 120-121.
What does our Creator God say from His Word about Husband Wife relationship?
Marriage…
1. Illustrates the Relationship between Christ and His Church.
(See also Phil 2:2-8; Jn 13:5; Mt 11:29, 20:28; etc)
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Our lives literally consists of relationships… husband/wife/children/mother/father/aunts/uncles/friends… |
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The ultimate relationship is when a person is born into God’s family by faith in Jesus Christ! |
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Generally as we look at scripture… in most cases both husband & wife are both saved from sin… |
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Look how God describes this beautiful union of husband and wife… |
Ephesians 5:25-29 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares (cherishes) it, just as Christ does the church—
· Our earthly marriage relationship is illustrated by the same relationship Christ has with the church…
· John 13 tells us the “extent” of Christ’s love when He humbly washed the feet of His disciples
· The Lord did not come to be served but to serve and give His life for sinful man…
· Our attitude should be like that of Christ… deep humility, gentle, serve one another in love Phil 2:2-8
2. Proper Authority and Responsibility must be maintained.
(See also Gen 3:16; 1Co 11:3-16; 1Tim 2:12-15; 1Pet 3:1-7; Phil 2:2; etc)
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect (honor) as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
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As Christ is the head of the church… husband is the head of the wife… an unpopular truth in 21st century |
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Leading not as a dictator… me Tarzan, you Jane mentality… but in the same attitude as Christ. |
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A woman is physically weaker… men treat your wife with dignity & respect… enabling your prayer life |
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God ordains all authority – in Gov’t, in church, over the powers of darkness, marriage, family… yet sadly in our culture today the roles are being reversed – women today are often pressured to be tough & independent while the men are made to be weak and effeminate. |
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Adam was created first and God ordained the woman to be under the authority & protection of the man. |
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The husbands leadership flows from love… not as a dictator, do this or do that… I’m master, you slave |
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As Jesus Christ tenderly loved the church we too must tenderly love & cherish our wives in harmony w/God |
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With differing responsibilities… providing, teaching, raising children, social, spiritual, relationships, etc. |
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Men may have the authority but women have the influence… if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy |
Divine Priorities… Christ – Marriage – Children – Church – Everything else
Colossians 3:18-20 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. 20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.
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Marriage is the focus and the foundation of the home… today families tend to be child-centered with everything revolving around them…. BUT God ordained the focus must be upon the priority of the marriage of the husband & wife… as the marriage goes, so goes the family. |
I thought you would like this… Ann Landers claims that one of her most unusual problems from readers she encountered was a man who was so angry in how his wife was going to vote that he hid his wife’s dentures so she couldn’t go out and vote for a Democrat!
3. Mutual Love & Submission based on Reverence for God.
Let’s read this verse together - Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
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Please get this: the entire theme of good marriage relationship can be summed up in one word – SUBMISSION |
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This verse precedes the husband wife section here in Ephesians… be filled in the Spirit & submit |
Philippians 2:2 Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one heart and purpose. NLT
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What would our families look like if we heeded & obeyed this verse? What could my marriage be? |
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Working hard in building a solid marriage THEN together raising little champions for Christ! |
Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
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As a man or a woman in Christ we are equal in Christ… there is no second class citizens in Christ! |
I read a story about a woman seeking counsel from Dr. George W. Crane, the psychologist, confided that she hated her husband, and intended to divorce him. “I want to hurt him all I can,” she declared firmly.
“Well, in that case,” said Dr. Crane, “I advise you to start showering him with compliments. When you have become indispensable to him, when he thinks you love him deeply & sincerely, then start the divorce procedure. That is the best way to hurt and to get back at him. “Some months later the wife returned to report that all was going well. She had followed the suggested course. “Good,” said Dr. Crane. “Now’s the time to file for divorce.” “Divorce!” the woman said indignantly. “Never. I love my husband dearly!”
Ø Husband Love your wife as Christ loved the Church.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
· Three times in these few verse of Eph 5 God tells the husband to love your wife
· Love your wife – love your wife – love your wife… turn now and tell your wife you love her!
· Love is an act of the will, not just a feeling… you really don’t “fall” in love… how did Christ show His love? “He gave Himself for her” (Acts 20:28; Jn 3:16, 15:13; Eph 5:25)
· Remember to love her with the passion & depth that Christ loved the Church!
· Provide, Protect, Honor, Respect, Shelter, Nourish, Lead, Serve, Cherish, Love your wife
· Life is so short… enjoy it with your wife… begin loving her with an unconditional love like Christ
Ø Wives Submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
· Three times in these verses & Col 3:18 God tells the wife to submit to your husband
· Submit, love, respect, live with them until death do you part.
· Men NEVER wave this verse in their faces… Are you willing to do your part & fulfill vs 25-33?
· The headship/submission relationship is not about superiority & inferiority,many wives are wiser!
Dave Barry says: “Think how much happier women would be if, instead of endlessly fretting about what the males in their lives are thinking, they could relax, secure in the knowledge that the correct answer is: very little.”
One of “Dear Abby’s” most unusual letters came from one wife who evidently didn’t understand her husband. The letter said, “My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he thinks I’m crazy because I voted for Goldwater.”
· Trying to overturn God’s Biblical mandate of authority doesn’t eliminate conflicts it multiplies them.
· The wife’s duty in Biblical submission & husband’s duty in Biblical love is not optional…
· To violate this principle is to undermine the very foundation of your family (Prov 14:1)
A Mormon acquaintance of Mark Twain once pushed him into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. “Nothing easier,” Twain replied. “No man can serve two masters.”
4. Affair Proof your Marriage with Love Languages…
· Communication - Words of Affirmation
· Commitment - Quality Time
· Submission – Giving & Receiving Gifts
· Partnership - Acts of Service
· Romance - Physical Touch
Monogamous marriage yields the most satisfying romance to be had. Contrary to what network scriptwriters might have us believe - the survey found that married spouses have sex more often and enjoy it more than singles.
If you want to be happy, healthy, successful, and livelonger, give your spouse a kiss before you go to work each day. That’s the conclusion of a study conducted by a group of German physicians and psychologists, in cooperation with insurance companies.
According to Dr. Arthur Sazbo, the study found that those who kiss their spouse each morning miss less work because of illness than those who do not. They also have fewer auto accidents on the way to work. They earn 20 to 30 percent more monthly and they live about five years more than those who don’t even give each other a peck on the cheek. The reason for this, says Dr. Sazbo, is that the kissers begin the day with a positive attitude. A kiss signifies a sort of seal of approval. Those who don’t experience a kiss, for whatever reason, go out the door feeling not quite right about themselves.
Another study by Dr Satir says we need hugs which helps to relieve pain, depression, tension, unhappiness… they’re healthy, nice & needed… he suggests we need daily: 4 hugs for survival, 8 hugs for maintenance & 12 hugs for growth!
· Put God at the top of your priorities!
· Connect into Church body-life!
· Start dating your wife again!
· Invest time with each other!
· Watch what God does!
Let’s Pray
Adapted from following resources:
The Heritage Foundation - http://www.heritage.org
Family Life - http://www.familylife.com
“Successful Christian Parenting”, John MacArthur; Word Publishing 1998
“The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapman; Northfield publishing 2004
“Starting Your Marriage Right”, Dennis & Barbara Rainey; Nelson Books 2000
“Battle Cry for a Generation”, Ron Luce; Cook Ministries – NexGen 2005
“Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing them Down”, Dr Kevin Leman; Delacorte Press 1993